Fat ass.

Kaufman (VO):

Do I have an original thought in my head? In my bald head? Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life....I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong, the bone. The dentist called again, I'm way overdue. If I stopped putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat, I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time, like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again, five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing? I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more. Improve myself. What if I learn Russian or something?

Nic Cage as screenwriter Charlie Kaufman in Adaptation, 2002. From here.

Voiceover from the intro to Adaptation, written by Charlie and Donald Kaufman, directed by Spike Jonze, and voiced over by Nicholas Cage, 2002.

The script describes our first view of Kaufman: "Charlie Kaufman, a fat, balding man in a purple sweater with tags still attached, paces."